I have a hole in my heart

I have a hole in my heart.  It aches. I miss my sister, deeply.  We were very close growing up and quite honestly probably closer because of our alcoholic mother.  We depended on one another.  We looked out for each other.  We were best friends. However, alcohol and other drugs have taken my friend away.  She's not there and hasn't been for a long time.  I'm beginning to wonder if she's ever coming back.

I think I've been trying to fill this hole, rather than acknowledge its existence and the pain from it.  I keep looking for that friend or person to take her place, but the simple truth is that no one can fill this hole. I am blessed with wonderful people in my life, but my sister is my sister.  I can no longer share my heart with her.  She has become a stranger, whom I do not trust.  I so badly want to trust her, confide in her, let her know what's really going on in my life.  But I can't.  I've recently learned some hard lessons. I shared something with her in confidentiality.  It didn't stay confidential.  She was six months sober and seeming to come around to her old self.  I had begun to trust her again. That was my mistake.  I've had to shut her out to protect myself and my family.  That is hard, much harder than just the thought of it.  Actually shutting her out, closing her off...hurts.  It goes against every grain in my being, but then again that person is not my sister. 

I'm at battle with myself.  Part of me wants to pick up the phone and call her, pretend everything is okay, the way it used to be.  The other part of me wants nothing to do with her.  I don't want this stranger in my life or my family's.  I struggle in conversation with her because I simply do no relate to her in any way, shape or form.  I don't know what to say to her.

The reality:  she's not okay and I'm not either.  I'm trying to be, but I'm constantly consumed with thoughts of her.  That's not healthy.  I have too many other things I should be thinking about, devoting my energy to.  I'm addicted to the addict.

There's hope.  I know I need to change.  I want to be healthy for me, my family, my sister.  I'm beginning with boundaries.  They need to be set.  They need to be respected.  They need to exist. I'm relieved that she's in rehab.  It gives me a chance to breath and figure out how to move forward from here.  I didn't name my blog Always Hopeful for nothing!