I have a hole in my heart

I have a hole in my heart.  It aches. I miss my sister, deeply.  We were very close growing up and quite honestly probably closer because of our alcoholic mother.  We depended on one another.  We looked out for each other.  We were best friends. However, alcohol and other drugs have taken my friend away.  She's not there and hasn't been for a long time.  I'm beginning to wonder if she's ever coming back.

I think I've been trying to fill this hole, rather than acknowledge its existence and the pain from it.  I keep looking for that friend or person to take her place, but the simple truth is that no one can fill this hole. I am blessed with wonderful people in my life, but my sister is my sister.  I can no longer share my heart with her.  She has become a stranger, whom I do not trust.  I so badly want to trust her, confide in her, let her know what's really going on in my life.  But I can't.  I've recently learned some hard lessons. I shared something with her in confidentiality.  It didn't stay confidential.  She was six months sober and seeming to come around to her old self.  I had begun to trust her again. That was my mistake.  I've had to shut her out to protect myself and my family.  That is hard, much harder than just the thought of it.  Actually shutting her out, closing her off...hurts.  It goes against every grain in my being, but then again that person is not my sister. 

I'm at battle with myself.  Part of me wants to pick up the phone and call her, pretend everything is okay, the way it used to be.  The other part of me wants nothing to do with her.  I don't want this stranger in my life or my family's.  I struggle in conversation with her because I simply do no relate to her in any way, shape or form.  I don't know what to say to her.

The reality:  she's not okay and I'm not either.  I'm trying to be, but I'm constantly consumed with thoughts of her.  That's not healthy.  I have too many other things I should be thinking about, devoting my energy to.  I'm addicted to the addict.

There's hope.  I know I need to change.  I want to be healthy for me, my family, my sister.  I'm beginning with boundaries.  They need to be set.  They need to be respected.  They need to exist. I'm relieved that she's in rehab.  It gives me a chance to breath and figure out how to move forward from here.  I didn't name my blog Always Hopeful for nothing!

Fried Eggs

Back when I was in high school, I vividly remember a commercial that would air quite regularly.  It would start by introducing your brain by holding up an egg.  Then they would crack the egg over a frying pan.  The viewer could clearly hear the sizzling sound follow by a man saying, "This is your brain on drugs."  For some reason this image has stuck in my mind all these years.

This is how I envision my sister's brain, fried.  Her brain is not the same any more.  It hasn't been for a long time.  When she found her third rehab, I thought that maybe she would come back to us, that is her full mind.  Since she could stay at this place for such a long time, I was hopeful it would give her body, soul, and mind a chance to come back around.  Well we got a glimpse of the old sister, but that was all.  For some reason, I have struggled with her speech the most.  It's probably because this is my only real connection with her for the past 2 1/2 years.  I live across the country and do not see her, so I have become very in tune with my family members voices, speech patterns, and dialects.  It gives me comfort to recognize a person's voice.  That has all changed with her, even when she's 7 months sober.  My sister used to have an incredibly peppy, happy voice.  When she had something to tell you, she spoke so fast it was hard to keep up.  I could picture her face, her hands, her body language, all from listening to her voice.  Like I said, it gave me comfort.  Being so far away, I still felt like I knew her, like she was right next to me.  I can't do this anymore.  Sometimes I hardly recognize her voice at all.  Without caller id I wouldn't.  She has lost all evidence of being happy or cheerful.  Her zest for life is gone.  She's broken.  Her speech is s...l....o....w and drawn out.  Sometimes she as sober as day, but I have that little question in my head, has she been drinking, all because of slurred words.  And what's worse, I can't picture her.  I can't figure out what mannerisms she might be using or expressions she has on her face.  I can't even picture her face.  Bottom line:  I don't know this person.  My beloved sister is a stranger, completely unfamiliar.

Although her body at times is an unexplainable force, her mind clearly shows the evidence.  We all know that there will be a last time if she continues to abuse her body in this way.  Her body will one day give out.  This brings me back to the fried egg commercial.  Her brain is partly fried.  I continue to hope and pray that she can climb out of this mess before her "egg" is completely fried.