Suppose to be my day

My birthday is coming up soon.  Birthdays are suppose to be celebrations of life.  When we celebrate my kids' birthdays we try hard to let them know how special they are to us, how much they enrich our lives.  My birthday feels like a big void.  All I can think about is my sister.  She could OD any day and I find myself praying that she doesn't do it on my day.  I don't want an addict to take my day away.  My life is so overshadowed by the addicts in the family, I don't know how to respond to the question, "How are you?"  A simple question, but so hard to answer.  So of course my response, "I'm good."  Next topic of conversation...the spotlight is off of me.  The times I have tried to share me with the addicts, I was quickly labeled as self-centered.  I was horrified.  I have made great efforts to listen to people, to let them know I'm all ears.

 So now as I approach my birthday, I find myself sad and depressed.  Why can't I get her out of my head?  This is sick!  I have a wonderful family- a husband and four beautiful children.  They love me dearly and show me their love on a daily basis.  Why am I consumed with thoughts of her?

I am trying so hard to shut the door on her, lay some boundaries.  I have very clearly let her know that I will not be used any more.  She has stopped calling, she knows that I am done dealing with her mess.  But why oh why is she still in my head?  My heart aches and my stomach churns with worry.  I guess I wonder can she really do this?  Can she want her life back bad enough so that she will climb out of her hole?  I'm fearful that she doesn't.  I feel that part of me is trying to reconcile that she could very well leave this life...soon.  However, I have that little thing called hope that doesn't want to completely give up.  So that leaves me a jumbled mess trying to pretend everything is A-Okay.